Monday, February 21, 2011

It all suxs

Never let it be said that I won't pinch material from a fellow blogger when it suits me!

Saturday Morning Musings - New Zealand, Australia & multiculturalism was triggered by DeusExMacintosh's post Australia Sux (New Zealand, Seven). Now the comment stream on DeM's post really made me laugh, so I am going to pinch part of it.

My excuse is that it deserves a wider audience (hem, special pleading), but it does say something about the NZA (or ANZ) relationship. When I am wearing my New Zealand hat, I always put the NZ part first! After all, I am only a first generation Australian on Dad's (NZ) side. This puts me in the 44% of Australians so often quoted as being born overseas or having at least one Australian parent born overseas.

Some might argue that we need a multicultural policy to assist Australians and New Zealanders to understand each other, to assist the rest of the world to make any sense of Australians and New Zealanders. In the interests of international accord, I have added a glossary at the end.  

KVD wrote:

Good for them – sticking to their principles. Perhaps we should invade them as the only country in the world with proven, true Weapons of Mass Destruction: The All Blacks.

Legal Eagle wrote:

My mother-in-law is a Kiwi originally. My father-in-law was telling me a funny story last night about when they went to the Bledisloe Cup. My mother-in-law left NZ at 18 and has been a naturalised Australian for 20 years. But…who do you think she was shouting for 20 minutes in, despite her resolution to support Australia??? The All Blacks, of course.

Dave Bath wrote:

Can Julia beehive herself?

Angry Exile wrote:

At the risk of being kicked out of the country, Aussie and Kiwis sound the same to me. And now if you’ll excuse me I just need to hide from my wife for the next thirty tears

Dave Bath wrote:

Patrick@7: From Geelong, I’m happy enough for Oz triumphalism to be quietened with losses in the Bloodyslow Cup – and maybe more of the heathens north of the Murray will turn to the one true religion.

Mind you, I’ve seen REALLY scary hakas – from types that later kidnapped and beat up a girlfriend up so badly I had to give her cash to get out of town after she escaped and I patched her up – too scared to hang around and lay charges. Apart from the few crazy-scary, the rest of the kiwis are crazy-hilarious. But they are all crazy I reckon.

kvd wrote:

P@7 I don’t hate the New Zealanders – I reckon they are great; it’s just the full on ferocity which is unsettling. But if you really want scary, watch the All Blacks’ personal trainers in action. I think they call themselves the Silver Ferns.

Now this must be one of the most incomprehensible comment streams ever recorded. To assist you, the following table provides a glossary.

Term Meaning
All Blacks New Zealand religious order that seeks to find salvation through bodily penance, body building, extreme training and stylised mayhem. The order is named after the black uniform worn. Because of the need to remain relevant in a changing modern society, the uniform has been redesigned to emphasise key features relevant to many in the congregation - abs and pects. See also Bledisloe Cup, New Zealand national religion, rugby and haka. 
Australia Small continent occupied by country. Originally settled by convicts, most of the population huddles within a few kilometres of the coast line looking seawards, perhaps looking for the ship that might take them away, even to New Zealand. See also New Zealand. Technically Australia as a country includes islands beyond the continent of which Tasmania is the largest. However, Tasmania keeps on getting dropped off the map and can be ignored for practical purposes.  
Beehive Name given to the New Zealand Parliament Building. While the name is based on the building's shape, it provides ample scope for local jokes.
Bledisloe Cup Religious symbol awarded following gladiatorial rugby contest between Australia and New Zealand. See also All Blacks, Australia, New Zealand, New Zealand national religion, rugby and Wallabies
Haka A religious ceremony performed by New Zealand men at the start of each sporting event. Originally a Maori war chant  meaning bring it on, it provides an excuse for adults to stick their tongues out at others. 
Netball Religious ceremony technically played as a game in which seven people on each side wearing bibs use a ceremonial ball to undertake a variety of very stylised activities including attacking, shooting, passing and jumping but not stepping or contacting. Originally a British game based on basketball but with rules modified to suit the more genteel ladies of the Victorian era, modern netball compares to its past as modern warfare compares to village cricket. From its Imperial heartland, netball has spread to remote locations including Copenhagen where eldest daughter is able to practice the required ceremonies. See also Silver Ferns. 
New Zealand Island country separated from Australia by language, intense rivalry and the ditch (dutch), the local name given to the Tasman Sea. Also known as the Shaky Isles and famous for its mountains, sheep and Lord of the Rings. Object of many bad Australian jokes usually involving men and sheep, a necessary solace to frequent losses in annual religious ceremonies. See also Australia, New Zealand national religion, All Blacks, Silver Ferns and Bledisloe Cup.    
New Zealand national religion In theory, New Zealand is a modern secular democracy. In practice, sport is a national religion involving complex rituals and religious artifacts. Any sport is okay if it involves beating Australia, but the main denominations attracting greatest fervour are rugby and netball. See also New Zealand, Australia, rugby, Bledisloe Cup, All Blacks, netball and Silver Ferns.    
Rugby Short for Rugby Union. Religious ceremony technically played as a game in which fifteen people on each side use a ceremonial ball to undertake activities including rucking, mauling, jumping, throwing, tackling, passing and kicking. A break-away sect strong in North England and certain Australian States known as Rugby League denies Rugby's use of the word rugby. See also All Blacks, Wallabies, haka and New Zealand national religion
Silver Ferns New Zealand women's religious order that seeks to find salvation through bodily penance, body building, extreme training and stylised mayhem. The order is named after the silver fern imprinted on the black uniform worn. Because of the need to remain relevant in a changing modern society, the uniform has been redesigned to emphasise key features relevant to many in the congregation and especially men. Known for their ferocity especially when playing Australia, they provide support to their male equivalents, the All Blacks. See also All Blacks, New Zealand, and New Zealand national religion. 
Wallabies Minority Australian religious order that seeks to find salvation through bodily penance, body building, extreme training and stylised mayhem. The order is named after the wallaby, a smallish inoffensive grass eating Australian macropod, and had to be adopted because a rival sect had stolen the name Kangaroo. Membership involves an annual penance, the Bledisloe Cup, which often resembles a Roo Drive in which the hunters (the All Blacks) drive the hapless Wallabies in whichever direction required. See also Australia, New Zealand, All Blacks and Bledisloe Cup.     


Anonymous said...


Jim it worries me that I not only understand, but also agree with, every word you wrote.

Perhaps you could take on a permanent role as roving NZA ambassador for peaceful co-existence? Nah! That would take all the fun out of it.


Jim Belshaw said...

Musn't lose the fun, KVD. Where would we be without it?

Dave Bath said...

Thu uncumpruhunsubuluty uf thu cummunt thrud unducuts u dup undurstundung butwun thu nutiuns.

It's only incomprehensible to those outside our region, or unassimilated migrants to our shores.

The only thing I don't understand is why we both have bovine synonyms for jumpers, the kiwis give the guernsey to jersey.

Jim Belshaw said...

You did make me laugh, David. Guernsey to jersey indeed!

skepticlawyer said...

Jim, thanks for making me laugh. Fabbo post (and use of tables).

Jim Belshaw said...

Hi SL. Coming from you, that's a very real compliment. I enjoyed writing the post. In my professional (vs writer writing) writing, I use tables of definitions all the time because it aids understanding and provides a check list for later reference.

It's also a very good device for this type of humour.

Muscle Building said...

All the terms and the meanings which are given here are determining all the meanings very accurately. Such that they are in very good details. And we can understand it very easily.